What does depression feel like? The various definitions say that you feel hopeless, sad, helpless, empty, worthless, irritated, confused, guilty hollow and you lack confidence. I feel all of it. Does that make me depressed or am I just over thinking?
How can I be depressed in a day when I was dancing my ass off just a week back? I even sang some of my favourite tunes in a karaoke night. Oh, one hell of an evening!
It’s not every evening I come home feeling homeless, restless, caged and just want an escape from all of it. It’s not easy to remain positive about things when you feel your world is upside down. Just a tinge of negativity and bam! Your one year of meditation to attract good vibes, goes for a toss.
“Yesterday, ..love was such an easy game to play..”. Maybe the Beatles should have just stuck to “Scrambled eggs” as the song’s title, as it would be easier to just enjoy the song and not feel sad about yesterday.
So yesterday, I just couldn’t go home. I would not fear the lost souls or evil spirits (as people believe) as much as i fear my inner voice. When I’m happy, it’s music to my soothing ears but yesterday, I was a victim to misophonia. Oh, what a relief to have no battery in my phone. No one would know where I was. No one can find me for some time. I finally had my moment; alone in the terrace.
It was barely 8:30 and due to the heat most of the houses had their windows and doors open and the concrete structures are so closely placed that I could literally hear some of the conversations.
And yesterday, I got a glimpse of two-three different families. One was the labors family, who were staying in a semi-constructed building with no doors. This family had two children, one about 7 years and a toddler. Seeing the child, i just thought to myself, does this little fellow even go to school? Do they even have enough food to eat? Maybe I have more clothes and a proper shelter than they had at that point of time but besides all that, they were happy and here I was, staring blankly at their way of living. Was I jealous of what they had at that moment and I didn’t?
The other house had a door slightly open and I could see a mid-aged lady coming after every 5-10 minutes and offering something to the person sitting in the corner whom i could barely see. She would even shout at times so I assumed, it was her children but to my surprise, there was an old lady, in her late 80s I suppose as she was only skin and bones. It kept me thinking; who was more miserable? I was irritated, maybe agitated by the lady’s behavior towards the old woman or maybe it was just the feelings inside me.
Last thing I wanted was someone to find me. This was my moment. Neither could I express what I was feeling nor could I imagine anyone sitting next to me and seeing things differently from what I may perceive. And just then, my friend shows up.
I burst into tears.
I didn’t cry because I was happy to see him, I was crying because he was intervening my personal space.
No one was supposed to find me, but he did.
I just couldn’t express my frustration and anger enough as I knew that he wasn’t there to leave.
Suddenly, everything around me started irritating me. Even the sound of the dried clothes fluttering in the air were piercing my ears; the feeling so strong that an hour more and my ears would bleed. So I just told my friend, “take me somewhere where I can be at peace and not be bothered about anything”.
I guess that sounded more like, “Master Shifu, help me find inner peace.”
And yesterday, we decided to visit India gate in the evening.
India Gate is always so crowded that visiting it during daytime and having a good time is a dream way too far from real. But I was tired of concrete structures and wanted to just lie down in the mushy grass pillows and “just forget the world”. It was about 10:30 PM by the time we reached India Gate. It was crowded enough considering the time and remained so till 12-12:30 AM. But oh, just lying on the ground and looking at the plain inscrutable sky with just a moon and countable stars; indeed a bliss. Thanks to Coldplay for the most amazing song and trust me, it was all yellow. We just lied down under the naked sky for hours together and I also felt comfortable in telling him what was going on in my mind. The surrounding made me just so comfortable, I, in fact, no more felt the blues. Whatsoever be the reason, I was thankful that I landed there. It was my very own “Octopus’s Garden” because we knew we couldn’t be found. It was at about 3:00 AM, we headed home after a police warned us about how safety can be an issue at midnight, after all it was Delhi. And my views about Delhi has been well expressed in my previous article Living in the Rape Capital Of The Country.
After reaching “Home” or you may say the place where I take shelter, I lay in my bed and recalled the evening. All that happened in a quick span of 7-8 hours made me smile as I realized, yesterday, isn’t all that bad when I look at it tomorrow. And I promise to take a sad song and make it better, for tomorrow is a new day.